Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
