Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
