oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize