come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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