I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
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