I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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