Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
