You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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