3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
