Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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