New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
