I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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