Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We left an ass print on the piano.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
