dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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