Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
