Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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