He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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