I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
