Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
