Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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