I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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