and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
third nipple confirmed
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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