On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
