is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize