I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
