just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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