You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize