Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
you never un-have a 4some
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
