1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
