I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
