As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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