I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
