You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Randomize
