I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
