i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
