I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
