I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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