You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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