I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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