dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
