My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
