My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
