I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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