nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
