i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
