He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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