as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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