just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
