Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
