Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
