Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
