Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
