I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
