census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
