Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
