ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
