Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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