My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
