I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
