do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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