Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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